List of Jobs That I Will Not Have and Why
I might only have $15.00 left in my bank account but I still have enough common sense to know what I cannot do.
Trimet Bus Operator
Reason: I cannot deal with being asked questions and I’m not very patient. Also, sideview mirrors = target practice.
Professional Curler (as in the sport: lead, mate, vice, skip)
Reason: Not a big fan of sweeping, not a big fan of rocks. Unless we’re talking about Pop Rocks or Van Halen.
Actually, no, not Van Halen.
Burlesque Performer
Reason: No breasts, no rhythm, no interest.
Barista
Reason: I have neither visual impairment accessories nor good hair. Also, I’m clumsy and would likely chant things like, “Burn the witch! Burn the witch!” while incorrectly operating the Franke. Or the La Marzocco. Or the percolator. Whatever.
Landscaper
Reason: Any flying insect sends me into a paroxysm of fear that includes screaming and running, especially the ones with the names that are actually a consonant or are associated with the Wu-Tang clan. Landscaping means being outside, being outside means flowers, flowers mean…those things.
WNBA Player
Reason: I have no reason why not. I look gay, I run fast, I like being yelled at in empty rooms, I’m entirely uncoordinated. Sign me up.
Greenpeace Recruiter
Reason: I don’t want to want to kick my own ass.
